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The listings for the Kennedy Center in the nation's capital features a playful dual-language show and an ad-libbed theatrical troupe. Conspicuously absent from the public schedule is this week's global football draw, likely because it is a strictly invitation-only gathering. Organizers appear determined to avoid any unwanted guests from darkening the doorstep at what promises to be an overly lengthy, self-congratulatory procession where highly compensated celebrities will undoubtedly repeat the tired platitude that "soccer brings together the world."

An A-List Line-Up

A glamorous event is scheduled to be emceed by former model and TV host Heidi Klum and small-statured American comedian and actor Kevin Hart. Joining the star power will be American football icon Eli Manning on red-carpet details and actor Danny Ramirez as a roaming correspondent. Collectively, they will oversee a production that will certainly have British football fans of a certain age yearning for the simpler, unpretentious days of former managers, FA officials, the old draw system and a reliable velvet bag of wooden, lottery balls.

Set to last nearly three grueling hours, the show will feature a lengthy playlist of speechifying, saccharine highlight reels, scripted gags, celebrity guests, performances from artists with either no embarrassment or enormous tax bills, and then... at last, the real World Cup draw.

Athletic Greats on Draw Detail

Among those helping to conducting the ceremony? NBA legend Shaquille O'Neal, ice hockey great Wayne Gretzky, NFL star Tom Brady and baseball star Aaron Judge, all selecting numbered spheres under the supervision of former defender Rio Ferdinand. Considering the vast, untapped reservoir of personality possessed by these veteran sporting legends, barring an armed security team crashing the event, it's hard to envision what could possibly go wrong.

Actually, not much, if the tone-deaf justification of FIFA's well-documented World Cup exorbitant ticket pricing mounted by an overly deferential spokesperson is any sort of indicator. Upon being questioned if tickets should be more accessible for average fans, the reply was vague. "I think we have to be aware of that and I think FIFA are definitely an organization that are aware of that," was the comment. "However, I think we can look at every industry, every area, we could have that discussion about things," it was noted. The implication seemed to be that premium costs are justified when compared with other high-end items.

The Actual Draw

With 42 countries already secured a place for next summer's jamboree and another six due to join, there will be a genuine air of giddiness once the preliminaries conclude and the actual draw begins. But as fans across the globe wait with bated breath to see which three nations their own country will face in the group stages, the suspense pales in comparison to that which comes before the announcement of the winner of FIFA's first-ever peace prize for "individuals who help bring together people in peace through steadfast commitment and notable deeds." Considering the draw is in Washington and the World Cup is mostly in the US, guesses about the winner are ripe, though the clues are apparent.

"I have no worries at the moment. I was in contact with the chairman today. My connection with him is rock solid really. I have a truly open, honest and realistic relationship. So regarding my job in that sense I have completely no worries whatsoever" – comments from a manager whose side on a five-match winless run, providing a classic quote-that-will-definitely-get-resurfaced should changes occur in the future.

Fan Correspondence

• "Further to the discussion of a potential club named Kevin... there is an exciting Brazilian winger named Kevin at a Premier League club who cost north of £30m. Perhaps Kevin could be asked to buy a lower league club and rename it after himself."
• "Going to football games in the past, when the opponent was 'Keith', the reply was: 'What, on his own?'"
• "My reading ceased after nine words. 'Comprised of'! Of what were you thinking? To comprise means to consist of. So to comprise of means to consist of of. The extra 'of' is as redundant as an extra official."
• "Concern is growing ahead of FIFA's World Cup draw: just what memorable tune will a famous group come up with if a certain individual refuses to leave the stage, thereby necessitating an additional song?"